His anger had been brewing for years and years, it wasn’t anything new or startling. Others had seen it and were shocked, I minimized it (ah, the magic of his control)! The trash can thrown across the office, the canoe paddle hurled into the wall of the garage, making fun of his unemployed brother. It didn’t matter where he was working, who he lived with, where he lived, or how many outlets he was afforded. That’s the thing; he could have handled his issues without cruelty, arrogance, or control, he chose not to.
In hindsight now I can see that over time it was evident that he was controlling me and my happiness by grinding to a halt my progress in school and my career. I began my journey towards an advanced degree even before we were married, and it remained a constant goal of mine—but not permitted by my narcissistic husband. I changed employment and my career path time and time again I count 7, including working in a grocery store delicatessen cleaning frozen chicken for broasting, and he, just two times as he grew his career. I started a graduate degree time and time again, I count 5, yes 5 times.
And now, right now, years away from the divorce and years away from his anger and control so keenly aimed at me, I am relishing every step of the progress in school (Yes, a Master’s Degree attained while working full time, and parenting two children full time, and maintaining a house/yard/divorce proceedings full time) and a career that is skyrocketing me to the largest University in the state, in the lovely and beautiful capital city of the state. It’s magical and challenging, so completely different and so completely uncontrollable; it is what I have wanted, what I have craved, all of my life.
It is so freeing to be away from him. I breathe deeper and more peacefully every day. I enjoy the randomness of life and nature, and I no longer enter into things dreading his reaction and how he will ultimately find it my fault, that I am to blame, how I didn’t do things good enough or to his specifications, or putting him first. Always him first. Always my fault.
I am free from the disrespect, the control, the insults, and the devaluing. The hurricanes have passed. I see a bright and light filled, glorious day ahead, and many more days to follow. I see a brightly colored rainbow and a whole spectrum of opportunities laid out before me.
And I am deeply happy.